As week 24 rolls merrily and swiftly along, I relish each day more. I notice how even though I chose not to watch the news years ago, still some information leaks through and comes to me from different channels. For example, I found out about the German Wings flight tragedy. Yet, this week, instead of me going into MEGA outrage and judgment, I think, how sad that someone could be so troubled as to make a choice like that one; and the obituary exercise and Og’s scroll rush at me once more so I “live this day as my last.”
I notice how I am still at peace when I go on Facebook and see that some tortured soul has starved a doggie to the bone and the court system has let him off instead of sending him to a deserted island with no food or water forever more.
And here I go, substituting good thoughts and outcomes in my mind. Looking for the gift in everything and repeating ‘the universe is FOR me.’ So if it is, it gives me solace to know that then, the universe is also FOR everyone and everything else. Including that starved doggie…
The ‘a-ha’ moments also keep coming. For example, I was asked to sing at a dinner/conference on healing and my doggie had been under the weather, I had been recording for 5 hours at the studio and I was tired. And more importantly, my voice was tired. The songs I’d chosen to perform were challenging, it was cold and raining outside and all I wanted to do was stay home to hug my dog.
I didn’t. I went in spite of my overwhelming desire not to. My gut told me, take the umbrella. I chose not to listen. I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was that it was far. The last station on the subway line I was to take.
When I got out, I was getting soaked and had no idea what direction to head in. I centered myself and felt. I set off based on my guidance and a few steps after that, I saw a friendly face and got confirmation that I was headed in the right direction. As my tired self kept walking in the rain, I thought “Oh, the things I do for so and so” (referring to the friend who’d asked me to sing). And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. No, I’m not doing this for her, I’m doing it for me!!!!
I knew that something great was going to come out of this night, and my efforts to show up wouldn’t go unnoticed by the universe.
Then a flashback to a few years ago. The one time I’d decided to accept seeing a man. He’d invited me to go see him perform in New Hampshire. He had his car with him. I could drive up there but then we’d have two cars and I’d have to drive the 5 or 6 hours back alone as well. i chose to fly there. In order to do that, I took a train into the city, a bus to the airport, a flight to Boston, a bus to New Hampshire which would actually leave me about a mile from where this man was performing. On the final leg to NH, I called him and told me I’d flown in so we could drive back together and I would be at the stop in about an hour.
When I arrived, there was no sign of him. I called him and he gave me this lame excuse of why he couldn’t drive a mile to pick me up.
I walked with my suitcase up a steep road for a mile. At that time. I didn’t know what I know now. Although it was clear in that moment that this guy was not worth it for me. But as I walked, I realized everything I’d done to go see him and thought: “I know what I am capable of doing for someone I care about. Now I know the person I end up with is going to be someone willing to do the same for me or more! I have a gauge now and I am crystal.”
Yesterday, when the memory flash came, I realized I had already found that person. THAT PERSON WAS ME!!!!!
I was going the extra mile for myself. I have believed I am whole again after years of feeling broken and like ‘damaged goods’. Yesterday, I KNEW myself whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy!
Yesterday I WAS the MKMMA experience in living color.
I laughed out loud all the way to the venue. I giggled and jumped in the puddles like a 10-year old.
How liberating to know that it’s ok to do for me what I have no problem doing for anyone else.
As far as the rest of the evening goes, well, it was magic indeed.
I got two standing ovations and when I was done singing there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Immediately, I had a mob of people surrounding me who couldn’t wait to embrace and thank me. A woman went as far as saying, between hugs and sobs, that I was an angel and had made the entire evening worth it for her. And a 15-year old young man came up beaming to ask me the name of the last song I sang because he loved it!
When you align with your true purpose, things flow with ease and joy, and really, really fast!!!!
I leave you with this video that found me. It relates amazingly to our silent retreat. ENJOY!!!