Week 23_ Silence. The gift that keeps on giving…

I’m usually all over the places in my writing in order to get to my point. Today is no exception and I ask you to bear with me as I sift through the cascade of thoughts and feelings that are running through me right now.

When I write my blog, I’ve given myself time to digest everything and then I sit and write with a definite idea in mind. Today, something just happened and I am writing as I am sifting through what is happening in the moment.

I have JUST experienced the fullness of “The Truth Shall Set You Free.”

The phone rings. It’s a guy I’ve gone out with a couple of times. A very nice man. Intelligent, handsome…perhaps cheap…not sure yet. And, so the jury’s still out because that is definitely a deal breaker. And, yes. I recently (in the past 3 weeks) decided to start dating. But I digress…

The phone rings and I get gifted with the most amazing gift. The TRUTH. The actual truth is less important than the fact that this man has decided to come clean about an extremely life-altering situation that he is going through to GIVE ME A CHOICE. I am now presented with these facts, and as freaking out as I am (we’re talking White Collar here), I have a choice.

I can choose to continue seeing this person or not. It is up to me now.

I ask for time to think about this as the news has completely erased anything that I could possibly be thinking or planning for my day. I can almost see myself detaching from the situation and completely being the observer. I ask questions for some clarity. I DO NOT JUDGE. I actually start to find the whole situation interesting and I can see how me staying in it could bring some very interesting experiences into my life. And I see how not getting involved is the best thing for me given where I find myself and I also see so clearly that my choice would have probably been the opposite of what I’ve already decided if this had happened only last year. Starting with the fact that I would have agonized over the decision for days or even weeks before actually deciding!! Aaagghh! Just thinking about my past indecision makes me cringe.

Then, I realize that even if he doesn’t really know me, calling me up and telling me everything must have taken so much courage. Because he could have just called and said, “listen, I can’t see you anymore” or “I don’t think this is going to work out” or “I’m moving to Timbuktu”…

But he chose to tell me everything and let me decide. Like I said, I asked for time to think about it and hung up.

In a moment, I felt the freedom and expansiveness of being in the truth. And instead of picking up the phone and start calling my friends in a panic to ask for their opinion and spread the gossip… I went into the silence. I felt everything. He had done me the favor of shocking me in a way that there were really no thoughts in the noggin’ anyway. So I went with it.

I remembered that this man is a Taurus, just like my ex-husband. And that was one of the reasons I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep going out with him anyway, and I’d decided to still give it a chance and not judge him based on my ex.

But then an amazing thing happened. I realized the paradox of life and that there are only two reasons to lie OR tell the truth. It means that person cares. When they lie, they may want to protect you from the hurt, or they may want to make sure they don’t lose it all. And telling the truth means you care enough about the person and you are willing to lose it all…

So for one moment, I am feeling that perhaps all the lies my ex-husband told me were to protect me. And that maybe, just maybe, he did care about me. And he was just afraid to lose me for good. And he knew if I knew he was cheating it would probably kill me, or worse, I could probably kill him…

You know, It’s been 7 years since we split up and a bit over 6 since I found out he’d been cheating. And I have done everything I can to forgive him, and me, for all the pain inflicted. And it’s been so hard. And just when I think, ‘Ok, I’m done.’ Something comes up to remind me I’m still hurting, if only a little bit.

And, now, my whole outlook has changed. I always thought my ex did not care for me one bit and he had no integrity, and I have judge him to no end.

Perhaps he did love me. Perhaps he didn’t. It doesn’t matter now. Today, I understand why people lie sometimes and it’s not always the “evil” reason. And I can let it all go. Back into the silence.

I’ve decided I will not call my friends to tell them ‘The News’ or to tell them why I decided what I did. Or let them believe their opinion is what led me to my decision. I went into the silence and I got all this. I made the quickest decision of my entire life and I also realized how EVERY choice we make is a momentous choice and it alters the outcome of your life.

Seemingly banal choices such as clearing the dirty dishes in my sink, keeping my apartment orderly, or procrastinating about it. To deeper or more important ones like calling a client. Making that cold call. Calling a friend or parent or child to tell them you love them and are thinking of them. Asking for help. Going in the Silence. Meeting yourself.

Today, I was given the most amazing gift. The ONLY thing I kept looking to get from my ex-husband all these years. I got the truth. And it set me free.

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