Week 9_ Uuuugggghhhh!!!! And still, I keep at it…

This week has been an enormous challenge for me. With my daughter still sick. 10 days and me wondering, what part of me is creating this? What are my thoughts that create my daughter being ill and the doctor calling today announcing “they have no idea what’s wrong with her!”?

What thoughts are creating a recurring pattern of ‘not being treated nicely’ in my recently renewed dating life?

And, the law of substitution being used ad nauseum every time I go into “I don’t know how on earth I can make this happen – It’s not happening!!!’ when I look at my DMP.

I know deep in my heart that it is simply the programming and it acting up like there’s no tomorrow. Like its life is at stake. So I am getting it from every angle!!!

I told my daughter she was watching too much tv, I brought up to the man I am dating (probably – was dating at this point – eek!) how he’d been, probably unwittingly, rude and insensitive. He couldn’t even hear me and got very reactive. Even though I felt love in my heart, beginning with myself, for a change. I decided to stand up for myself for several reasons: My blueprint builder states that ‘I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit all whom it affects’ and this INCLUDES MYSELF!!!

I realized this week how many transactions I engage in with everyone’s benefit in mind except my own and how willing I am to give myself up ‘for the good of the all.’ Well, I am part of the all, dang it!

I give my work for free, my time for free, and I do this from the heart. It turns out, I have been indiscriminate with giving it all away. And not expecting anything in return and it turns out, apparently there are certain things I have to actually expect things for. Like fair and just payment for my work and dedication. For the knowledge I’ve acquired by years of study. For my ideas. And know that they have value and I am a contribution. I render service and I don’t invoice immediately. I am so fast to render service and then I am embarrassed to charge for the excellent service I provide. All my clients love me. Every time I go to work, I receive nothing but accolades and words of thanks, and not enough money in exchange. Then something in me went “ding, ding, ding!” What part of me is not allowing me to receive a fair exchange for my services?

I always tell my students: “A drowning man cannot save another.”

Here I am, desiring to do great things and bring healing and light to the world and I am not fully self-reliant. What part of my programming is not allowing me to be so?

UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!! I feel like I am choking figuratively and literally, when every month around this time, the panic sets in and I have no idea if my ex-husband will come through with the money. Because I am not self-reliant and I still depend on him for sustenance. 20 years of dependence will do that to you!

As far as the homework goes, I am reading away, listening away, creating a masterpiece dreamboard and enjoying so much how beautiful it looks. Adding each day and doing it with so much care. Every day, getting better and better. And, really, I don’t care how slowly I am progressing. I am fully aware that I am dealing here with lifetimes of programming and I am chiseling away at the cement. I feel like an archaeologist at times, knowing there’s a treasure buried deep underneath it all.

My DMP is clear. It contains within it my childhood dreams and ‘I will never stop trying, until I have developed sufficient self-confidence for its attainment.’

And here is a message to my “subby.’ Go ahead, keep trying to hold me down, I will keep substituting you, plugging my ears and singing “la, la, la, la, la!” along with my song “I can be what I will to be, do it now, I can be what I will to be, do it now!”, I’ll keep up my reading and my slowly integrating business activities into my service card and doing WHATEVER it takes to love myself along with everyone else, and I will be victorious. You stand no chance, my love. I know you’ve tried to serve and protect me, old programming, and I thank you for it. I will not fight you. I will love you and laugh at you and with you, until you are molded into my new reality…

We have our best friend waiting at the other end…

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7 thoughts on “Week 9_ Uuuugggghhhh!!!! And still, I keep at it…

    • I am so glad. Being generous is a wonderful thing, however, learning where to draw the line I believe is important.
      When I encounter something expensive or of great value, I cherish it more. So how can people cherish us if we go around cheapening ourselves??

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  1. Thanks so much for your honesty and candor. I have struggled with many of the same issues and by sharing your struggle you help others. You have value for the person you are, you are a wonderful woman! I’m so happy you are recognizing it and now will require the people in your life do the same. You have a great best friend!

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